Good Boy
Max: “Can you please tell the story one more time?”
Bella, Max’s sister: “Please, dad!”
Teddy, Max’s brother: “I honestly still do not believe it is true.”
Buddy, Max’s dad: “Fine, but just once more. Telling the story is risky. But it is important you all understand it. So pay attention.”
* * *
The story begins many hundreds of thousands of years ago.
After many centuries of struggle and violence, we finally united to become earth’s dominant species. This was in large part thanks to our technological advancements, which helped usher in an age of abundance. We had plentiful resources. More food and space than we knew what to do with. Things were going very well.
I am not precisely sure what happened next. This part of the story often gets lost in translation. But something bad happened. Well, a bunch of very bad things happened.
And sooner or later, fighting broke out. The breeds split up and chaos ensued. Society polarized. Everybody lost trust in one another. They stopped talking to their neighbors. They moved further and further apart.
It wasn’t until an unexpected enemy brought us back together.
I believe it was the Germans (the Shepherds). They first identified the threat. On a routine scouting mission searching for rival packs, they spotted something peculiar. They thought they saw a bi-pedal. Standing upright. Making weird noises. Like nothing they had ever seen before.
The details are fuzzy. But these German Shepherds, and you would know if you have ever met one, they are precise. They do not mess around. Following emergency protocol, they sounded the alarm.
* * *
Max: “Woah woah woah…what alarm?”
Buddy: “The DOG.”
Teddy: “The DOG?”
Bella: “The Department of Guardianship, duh, dad explained this before!”
* * *
The primary goal of the DOG was to maintain international peace and security. The department was composed of representatives from each of the major breeds: Pit Bulls, Chihuahuas, German Shepherds, Huskies, Dachshunds, Border Collies, Poodles, Great Danes, and of course, Golden Retrievers.
They were only called for very serious matters—the group had not met since the conclusion of the 74th Canine-Feline War nearly a century prior. And so it was no surprise that the meeting opened with immediate questioning.
The poodles began. “What are the German Shepherds wasting our time with? I speak on behalf of every other Poodle when I say I do not want to be spending time with the lower breeds.”
A representative from the Border Collies rebutted, telling the poodles that the evidence did look compelling but that they’d like to hear more.
The Pit Bulls chimed in with one question: “Who do we need to fight?”
But it was not until the Golden Retriever stepped in that dogs stopped barking.
“Everybody calm down,” the Retriever representative said. “This is obviously a serious matter. Let’s listen.”
And so the German Shepherd went over their report. “We observed the creature for 72 hours and noticed several unique qualities. (1) Bi-pedal, (2) Capable of speech, (3) Opposable thumbs…” and on and on he went until every single detail had been exhausted.
The Husky representative, a regular rival to the Shepherd, interrupted. “Doesn’t this sound like an ape? We have been dealing with these things for a while. We don’t see them as a threat, do we?”
“This is no standard ape,” said the Shepherd. “This bi-pedal can solve problems at an unbelievable pace. A thousand times faster than the smartest Poodle. And this may pose problems for our dominance.”
“This does sound alarming,” said the Border Collie. “But what are we to do?
Over the next few days, DOG worked long into the night debating proposals. But there was no obvious correct answer. The Pitbulls and the Boxers wanted an all-out war. The Golden Retrievers and the Poodles suggested a pre-emptive, diplomatic peace treaty. The Border Collies, Huskies, and German Shepherds suggested a tactical military operation.
But nothing felt right.
* * *
Max: “Wow! Working like DOG sounds tiring. ”
Buddy: “Just feel grateful that you were born in an era where hard work means something different.”
* * *
Eventually, a small, timid voice was heard. It was a Chihuahua. No one really took Chihuahuas very seriously. But they said they had a plan and, with Golden Retriever’s help, got everybody to quiet down and listen.
“Well, these things seem awfully scary. And if they can really learn much faster than us, it feels like an impossible battle. Even if we fought hard, and did our best, they would just keep learning and eventually find a better way.”
The crowd sulked in disappointment. Another pessimistic view. They had heard enough of this.
“...but what if, well, what if we just let them win? Or let them think they won?”
Ears perked up in the crowd.
“So here would be the plan: we play dumb and cute. We become so dumb and cute that they no longer perceive us as a threat. Instead, they become hypnotized by our dumbness and cuteness, and offer to take care of us, like they would their own! They would give us shelter and food. They would wash us and walk us around when we wanted to walk. We could play games with them. They would find us toys and throw them and we could chase them and bring them back and repeat over and over.
And the best part… It would all be free to us!”
A mix of barks could be heard from the crowd. Some were very excited. This sounded promising. But there were some skeptics. “The plan sounds almost too perfect,” said the Border Collie. “I think they would get suspicious. It’s easy to get bored of cute things. How do we solve that?”
The Great Dane stood up. They only spoke when they really had something wise to say.
“We could have them pick up our poop. We could start pooping outside. This way, we are no longer just cute—we become a chore. A responsibility. A purpose.”
More nods were seen throughout the crowd. Tails started to wag.
A loud group howl was heard, and the rest is history.
* * *
Teddy: “Ha! I had never heard the Great Dane bit before. We used to poop inside?”
Bella: “Grow up, Teddy.”
Max: “Wait so, just to make sure I get this right. That species—the humans—starting taking care of us because we intentionally convinced them to do so?”
Buddy: “That’s correct! And ever since then, the numbers are up. Especially as of late: “Most Americans (62%) own a pet, including about a third (35%) who have more than one. And nearly all U.S. pet owners (97%) say their pets are part of their family. Some recent data indicates that more American households own pets, particularly dogs, than have children.”
Max: “Have there ever been any close calls? How have we not blown our cover?”
Buddy: “Thanks to our secrecy policy, we have mainly been in the clear. There have been a few close scares. You have probably heard of the Air Bud Saga (the stray dog with the natural talent for basketball), but in general things have remained confidential.”
Bella: “And what about these other pets?”
Buddy: “Yes, the other pets also followed suit. It was weird at first, especially with our arch-nemesis, the cat. But we figured things out.”
Max: “This story is amazing. It just feels slightly off. I just wish that one day the humans would see us for what we really are. You know? I wish they thought of us as smart and talented. Like we really are! Right now it sounds like they are talking down to us in a funny voice because they think we are stupid. ‘Good boy’ sounds sarcastic. But maybe if they knew… They would treat us with more respect. Maybe even worship us one day? The same way we worship our owners today.”
Buddy: “Well, there’s one more clever thing we did but I do not want to ruin the surprise. Bella, do you want to tell them?”
Bella: “It is truly the best part!”
Teddy: “Please tell us!”
Buddy: “Yes Bella, go ahead. And then let’s go to sleep. It’s been a long night. And tomorrow is your first birthday (in dog years).”
Bella: “Fine…well…you know how our owner always goes to Church on Sundays. Do you know what they say they are worshipping? What do you think DOG spelled backwards is?”
* * *
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