A-cow-ntability
— — —
One way we could solve all of the world’s problems much faster is by mandating a beef license.
It would be a license, like you would need to have in order to drive a car or carry a weapon, specifically enabling people to eat beef.
And yes, if you were caught eating beef without carrying a license, you would of course be prosecuted for breaking the law.
This applies to all beef products: steak, burgers, jerky, bolognese, etc.
Acquiring the license is meant to be simple.You just go take a test to prove you are capable.
And the test is rather straightforward.
It’s a bit annoying because you have to go to an in-person testing facility (kind of like the DMV). And unfortunately, there’s no remote option.
Once you get there, a friendly-ish person greets you and has you fill out some basic forms (name, occupation, etc).
Then you go into a private room.
And then you have to kill a cow.
It’s a full sized cow, weighing in at about 1400 pounds. The facility tries to make the whole process as humane as possible.
You would get to use equipment and what not. A smock to protect against any blood spattering. We care about the well-being of both you and the animal.
But you can really only make it so humane — you are, after all, murdering the animal.
An important requirement is that you have to stare the cow in the eye as you slaughter it.
Probably takes less than a minute total. Might be some squealing as you watch the animal die.
And that’s about it.
You are then given your very own beef license and are free to go and eat as much beef as you would like! (You get a card that represents the beef license — kind of looks like a Costco card with your name and everything).
The license lasts for 5 years, at which point you’d have to renew the license if you would like to continue eating beef.
The renewal process is similar to what you did the first time around. Not much more to it.
The beef license would solve all of the world’s problems because it would force people to confront the consequences of their decisions.
Today, 70% of Americans consume beef at least once per week. But most of us would not slaughter a cow. Not in a way where we had to watch.
Not even if it meant we could resume eating our precious buttery ribeye steak.
(We even have a different word for the meat of the animal —”beef” — because we do not want to think about the fact that we are eating creatures)
Most of us are afraid of accountability.
Sure, we need intelligence and logic. But what we really need is ownership. People taking responsibility for their actions.
Moo.
(By the way, we eat a lot of chickens too, but chickens are complete idiots. You would probably be fine killing a chicken while staring it in the eyes. You’d make a chicken sandwich and ask for an egg on top to really rub it in. Globally, we kill over 70 billion per year. Toughen up.)
* * *
Thanks to Jarred Kotzin for contributing to this essay.
Have any feedback? Contact us.