How to Meet People in a New City

So there you are. It’s six in the evening and you are sat at the longstanding bar you read about on the long flight over. You’re drinking a vermouth or something equally sophisticated. The Murakami you bought at the airport is out, and boy, are you looking mysterious. You’re glancing up at a stranger every so often. Hoping to catch somebody’s eye. Doing your best Bourdain. Thinking maybe he’d be proud.

Really, things are great. You’re in a new city, damn it! There are new streets and new faces and new bars, like this one. It’s all breathtaking and novel and, hell, maybe you’ll settle down here. You have just one problem, though, and well, it’s sort of a big one.

You don’t know anybody here.

There’s a certain awkwardness about trying to meet people. Part of it is that, as humans, we are supposed to know people already. Even as a little kid in elementary school, one of the first things you learn is that you do not want to be the guy with the Lightning McQueen lunchbox who eats cold nuggets in the corner every day, alone. You want to be cool, and being cool means knowing a lot of people.

Another part of it is that most people, once they hit adult life, have something resembling a social circle. And as the years pass, this circle tends to close, and calcify. It becomes more difficult for an outsider like yourself to get a seat at the table, and people increasingly view you as just that: an outsider.

We’ve met a number of people who, probably due to these reasons, feel a little embarrassed to ask for advice about this. You’re supposed to know how to meet people, right? So when people ask us about how we do it in new cities, it’s often near the end of a conversation. There is some hesitation. It’s a little bashful, a little worried.

“Hey, by the way,” they say, “I’m sure I’ll be fine, but… How did you meet people there?”

The good news is that there are ways to meet people. They may not all be easy. But there are ways. Here are some tactics you can use to meet people in a new city (beyond just opening Tinder).

None of these are magic. Almost all of them involve some combination of 1. Being interested in things (or finding new things to be interested in), 2. Going outside of your house, and 3. Being willing to engage in conversation with strangers. And so, to some extent, the ideas below are examples. You, as an interested person who leaves the house and talks to people, may read this and then come up with hundreds of new ideas that are specific to you. But we hope this is a useful starting point.

Meeting people when you are just visiting a city

While a lot of advice about meeting people is applied to everyone, there is in reality a great chasm between meeting people if you are just visiting and meeting people if you are living somewhere. If you are in the city for a few days, your motives are specific. So are your limitations.

You likely aren’t trying to meet lifelong friends. Nor do you need to. You’re not going to meet the love of your life. What you actually want is company; people who are interesting enough, at least, to spend some time with. People you could have a nice dinner with, filled with at least half-interesting conversation. You also have some serious constraints, chiefly that you cannot be patient. You cannot engage in things that take weeks or months to unfold. You have to meet people quickly, and you ideally have to do it without wasting too much time on your trip.

Given these circumstances, here’s how you can go about meeting people:

Stay at a hostel. Or go to one. This is by far the easiest way to meet people when you’re traveling to a city. Almost everyone there is there for the reason you are. They are traveling and they’d like to meet people. They’re up for exploring. You don’t actually have to be sleeping at a hostel to meet people there — you could just walk in.

Find a bar. Sit at the bar. Talk to people. Plenty of people go to bars alone. Or with friends that are in a social mood. We’ve found that you can often strike up interesting conversations at a bar. Don’t force it, but look for an opportunity to say something. There is always the chance, too, that someone there initiates a conversation with you. Either way, great.

Attend a sporting event or a concert. This is fun because you’ll have a great time even if you don’t meet anyone (assuming you like the sport or music artist).

Attend a designated meetup. We haven’t always had great experiences doing this. But you could try it. There are plenty of websites (and Facebook groups, and so on) where you can find coordinated meetups. Sometimes they will revolve around a specific topic or hobby, and other times they might be general meetups. It’s a real gamble who you’re going to meet there, but you are going to meet people, and you are going to talk to those people. If you are nervous, think of it as a video game or a movie. It doesn’t actually matter. But it could be a fun story.

Join any other kind of event you can find. See a protest? Hop in. Ask the people what they’re protesting for, or about. Generally they will talk to you. See a farmers’ market? Talk to the vendors and the other customers there.

Use apps like Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble. If you’re not looking to go on an actual date with someone (and potentially hook up with them), then you will most likely be wasting your time with apps. Yes, it is possible to meet a great platonic friend on these apps, but that is not what most people are using them for. Be mindful of how long you’re swiping on apps. One way to ruin a trip is to spend hours inside on your phone, instead of actually enjoying the place you traveled to.

Finally, remember that if you are only in a place for a few days (or even a few weeks), you do not have to meet people. You are not a failure if you spend the trip alone. In some ways, it’s a positive signal to be able to spend that much time on your own and still have a good time. The tactics above are great ways you can have some fun and meet people while you’re traveling, but they are by no means necessary.

Meeting people when you are living in a city for the first time

If you have decided to live somewhere, your options for meeting people expand greatly—but so do your criteria. On a short weekend trip you might not care if you grab dinner with someone you wouldn’t normally spend time with, but if you are living somewhere, you want people you would like to spend the next few years, or even decades, with. So you’re going to be more picky.

Because you are going to be more selective, some of the previous tactics (like going to a hostel) won’t be quite as effective. Instead, you can make use of time and patience to meet people you truly like and have shared interests with. One of the benefits of this approach is that all it takes is one. If you can meet a single person you enjoy spending time with, they might be able to introduce you to five more.

Here are some ideas for a more thoughtful approach to meeting people:

Play sports (and/or join a team). If you play a sport like tennis, pickleball, or padel, you can use apps —like Playtomic — where you can find people to play with. If you play a team sport, like basketball, you can try joining a municipal rec league or playing pickup on the street. If your sport doesn’t really fit into these categories — say you are a rock climber — you can look for communities online and join them on an outing. If you’re still struggling, try finding group classes for your sport.

Join a gym (or similar). Being a regular member at a gym can be a great way to meet people. You don’t have to join a gym specifically, though; for example, if you play tennis, you could join a tennis club. If you like archery, become a regular at a range.

Go hiking. It’s surprising how talkative some people can be on the trail. This can be a real hit-or-miss, but it can work. I’ve met people on the trail who invited me to dinner, drinks, parties, more hikes, and just about everything in between.

Do literally any hobby that involves other people. Hiking and sports are excellent, but most hobbies that put you face-to-face with other people are great. If your hobby does not involve other people by default, see if you can find communities online. I was once invited to a number of real-life meetups, dinners, and events simply by joining a game dev community on Discord.

Take group classes to learn a new skill. Say you’ve been interested in becoming a carpenter, or a painter. Look for classes taught to groups that’ll teach you how to get good at these things.

Exhaust your network of mutual (and mutual mutual) friends. There is a decent chance that if you move to a new city, someone you know may know somebody there. And even if that person isn’t a good fit for you, they might know somebody else. Seriously, just ask. Most people completely overlook this.

Attend any and all events that interest you. Concerts, festivals, sporting events, live music at bars, live poetry readings, conferences, meetups for people in your profession. If you live in a small city you may be harder-pressed to find events all the time, but larger cities have a barrage of events. It’s up to you to go to them.

Host dinners (and/or parties). Once you know a couple of people and feel comfortable having them over to your home, consider hosting a dinner, or board game night, or some kind of party. Tell them to invite a bunch of people they know.

Use meetup sites and apps. Yes, sites with meetups (and dating apps, like Tinder or Hinge) can be useful ways to meet people. Apps, though, are generally best if you’re looking to hook up or start a relationship with someone — and less useful for finding friends.

One important guideline is that you shouldn’t be doing any of these exclusively because you want to meet people. That defeats the purpose. These ideas are designed so that, when you meet someone, you already have something in common. It’s easier to get a conversation going. It’s more likely you may get along with them, or at the minimum enjoy spending time with them.

Meeting people, especially real friends or romantic partners, takes time. Be patient. Don’t freak out if your first months in a new city feel lonely. You aren’t the kid in elementary school with the Lightning McQueen lunchbox. Rather, you are, but there was never anything wrong with him in the first place.

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